I am no great conversationalist, and sometimes I have exchanges with people which I end up concluding in epiphanic letters to the known and the unknown – to people, places, objects, thoughts or emotions. So, when I ask you about whom you want to be, and you think about what it really is that you want and respond with ‘happy‘, I have this to tell you:
Being happy is an emotion, not a second skin you can slip into and forget to ever take off; and emotions are volatile – especially this one – and you can’t ever mistake them for the complete person you are. You have it in you to be happy, but happiness is a wanderer – it comes and goes.
I think you have to be okay with happiness being fleeting, with it being just a mood and not something as permanent as the indestructible refuge of the house you build for yourself in your mind; because the bricks you stack upon each other to make it stand aren’t mud, sand and cement – they’re sadness and loneliness and ecstasy and love, they’re the gold and silver of your experiences, and they shine and sparkle differently when the rays of the sun hit them from different angles.
It is important for the sun to beat down on your mind from different angles for you to know just how radiant it is. Each little memory you keep in there is like a tiny memento from the game of life which you see in a new light every time your eyes gloss over it. Maybe happiness can be the dust that settles on these mementos as time passes by, maybe it can be what you find beneath the dust when you pick them up in your hands to reminisce. Maybe happiness can be the reflection you see in the many mirrors that hang on the walls inside as you run along to whichever corner the butterflies of everyday life lead you.
Maybe happiness can be a passing moment in the journey you take – the glimpse of the face you catch in the sideview mirror as your car speeds by it – and not the destination itself; because it is already yours and you just keep letting it loose to take itself on morning walks, because happiness is all the more happier when you find it again and again.